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From the files of “The Raybourn Effect”
Copyright 2004
Are Your Scars Keeping You From Success?
By Michelle Raybourn, owner of 'The Raybourn Effect'
First published November 30, 2004
Are Your Scars Keeping You From Success?
Are your concerns of others and what they think holding you back?
I want to tell you a story of a woman I have known for years.
Her story is one of success. She has overcome a great deal and
still has more to overcome. Her scars - emotional scars - were
holding her back for years.
Her concern of others - what they thought of her - were holding
her back from her most recent Success.
I'm hoping me sharing her story with you will help you overcome
anything that's holding you back from achieving your success.
Her story begins over 40 years ago. A child born into a military
family and growing up overseas. An innocent little girl depending
on others to help her grow.
Her only great childhood memories are those in England in the late
60s and early 70s. Life seemed normal. Well, she obviously had
nothing to compare it to - so all was well. But it was normal, at
least to those on the outside.
She remembers pulling taffy with her family. The weekly ice-cream
truck where she always bought ice cream for herself and her dog.
She remembers the weekly kick-the-can games in the neighbourhood
and trips to the park. Trips to the pub for dinner and beating the
pinball machine record - thus winning a prize of either drink or
food in that pub for her family for a whole year. The prize is a
bit vague - but the glory of beating the record at only eight years
old is clear.
Her fun times with her brother, sister, mother and father.
But then things always change, don't they?
Coming to the States in the mid-70s was only the beginning of
some pretty hard times.
Her mother and father began having problems. She would find out
many years later that those problems were always there - they
were just hidden.
After her father moved out her mother began drinking. Well, only
after a life-threatening car accident where once released from
the hospital, the doctor directed to her that she drink wine to
keep her blood pressure up. So thus begins the new direction her
life would take.
The alcohol caused her mother to be very violent. The first time
she saw her mother's violence was when she heard her older brother
being beat by her mother. The next morning she saw blood on the
wall where her mother had shoved her brother's head.
The second time this happened her brother fought back. She stopped
harming him after that and he moved out.
That left just my friend, her mother and her mother's drinking.
My friend remembers vividly the first time her mother harmed her.
The reason why it started, the words that were said.
This soon began an every other night occurrence. My friend, barely
11 years old, would make a bed in a linen closet, hoping to avoid
her mother's anger and abuse. That only lasted a short time before
she was discovered. Her brother actually got mad at her and told
her mother where she was sleeping. He was living with friends
in the same complex so he was still aware of everything.
She would put her bed in her bedroom closet, thinking that would
bring her protection. Instead it brought weapons for her mother
to use. I think you get the picture.
During all of this her father never came to the rescue. He had a
new life, new step-kids and my friend's sister lived with them.
It would be 18 more years when she finally learned why he never
came to the rescue.
Although she called her father and pleaded with him to let her
move in - he would only say that "You made that choice to stay
with your mother. That's where you belong."
After so many calls to her father, he finally told her to start
running away every time her mother drank. So after all this time
of this - she ran away. But after so many times of running away
and being returned home - my friend came home on her own one day
and found her clothes and a few things thrown on the porch. The
doors were locked.
12 years old and she had no home. She lived on some pretty harsh
streets for a year - staying wherever she could in the dregs of
the city she lived in. She was stoned, high, drunk - whatever -
almost that whole time. She even spent time in juvenile hall for
stealing and underage drinking.
But one day, out of the blue, her father decided to put her in
a foster home. In a different city. She knew no one. Although
she was only living on the streets before, she knew people and
had a sense of security.
New city, new school, new people, new parents. Yes, living on
the streets sounds more scary. But that was the life she grew
to know.
This poor girl went from having complete freedom to having none.
The new foster family was strong Christians, so she was forced
into this as well. A complete life-culture change that shocked
her world.
Now as adults we know this is the best thing for her. But as a
young girl, she withdrew and rebelled.
Of course common sense tells us that she adjusted and took strong
to her new life. It was three painful years of adjustment.
She divorced her parents, basically became award of the State.
At the same time she rejected the parenting from her foster
mother. So many more emotional scars rose from this.
Finally things clicked in for her three years later. As a
sophomore in High School my friend finally embraced the good
things in life. In her school. In her family (almost) and in
her Church.
I don't know if you know this - but back in the 70s kids that
were put in foster homes never stayed in just one foster home.
They were moved around about every three months.
Somehow my friend stayed in the same foster home even past
High School. By the way - the very first one her dad put her
in didn't work out. She fought with the other foster child
that lived there. So another family in the same Church took
her in about three months later.
My friend was able to enjoy great successes all throughout
high school. She was a leader. School officer, sports editor,
editor-in-chief, Girls State, Business Leader Award winner...
even lead roles in professional theatre.
Then came college. Things didn't come so easy for her. But
she managed. And she met a man and got married in 1987. That
soon ended when he pulled a gun on her and pulled a knife on
her another time.
There was no way that as an adult she would put up with the
same things she had no control over as a child.
But her leaving her husband caused her foster family (who put
her through a private college) to become estranged. Seems they
were more worried about their reputation in their Church than
they were about her welfare.
Although leaving that marriage was the best decision she
had made as an adult, it was the hardest and the beginning
of her adult life on her own - once again alone.
Relationships came and went. Money struggles came and went.
Seems all became a struggle for her - on her own.
On her 29th birthday she learned the reason why her father
never took her in. He wasn't her biological father!
She had taken a trip to teach at James Madison University
that year. While there she looked up some numbers of her
dad's relatives. He was from York, PA. Upon her return home
she called a few of them to learn more about her father.
Two days after her birthday, after making connection with
a cousin, she received a package from that cousin containing
13 years of family history of her dad's family. Within that
information she found that her dad was not her dad. In that
package it was said by a few different family members that
had been putting together family history - they believed
my friend took up with her biological father. As they knew
nothing about her after 1977.
In shock, she called her cousin. Her cousin had forgotten
that information was in there. Although hurt, stunned and
numb, she now understood things so clearly. That it was a
missing piece of the puzzle.
Now she understood why this man rejected her for so many
years. Now she understood why he put her into a foster home
instead of taking her under his wings. Now it made sense.
She also learned about the horrific marriage of her parents.
The fighting and drinking - things she didn't see as a
child.
And, she could now make sense of the harsh words that her
mother attacked her with.
Although my friend has physical scars from her mother's
abuse - the emotional ones were more damaging.
But now it all made sense.
My friend will most likely always deal with emotional
scarring. I think it's easier to learn to accept physical
scars than it is to accept the emotional ones.
My friend will most likely always deal with abandonment
issues. That has become a fact and one she will still have
to overcome. But, at least she can recognize why and
react accordingly.
My friend will also deal with the emotional scars her and
her foster mother caused each other. They are, at times,
very deep. She still holds on to the day when her foster
mother said no to adoption before her 16th birthday.
She remembers her foster mother saying -- "It's only a piece
of paper."
But what amazes me about my friend, who is now in her
40s, is that she has worked hard to achieve her goals and
dreams. She's put in countless hours online for the past
three years trying to make a living.
No family. Few friends since her move to another State.
Just her trying to survive the internet game.
For the past three years she had a goal of wanting to buy
a home by the time she turned 40.
I saw her tears, her anxiety, her frustration. I saw how
she at times felt defeated. She didn't think she would
obtain that goal. She sat back one day and conceded to
her defeat.
But she taught me something. In the course of her life she
seemed to be always struggling to survive. From the abuse
(physical and emotional) to living on the streets to living
with a culture shock of a foster family to her divorce to
her trying to "survive" life on her own.
One long, very long course of survival. Why would she
consider giving up on a dream now? I didn't want her to
just settle anymore. I wanted her so bad to obtain this
dream. Obtain her goal of owning a home by the time she
turned 40.
This past year she was very selfish in things. She was
focusing on herself. But at times, she was more concerned
about others and their feelings or reactions to her, that
she just froze up.
Well, she decided not to concede. She worked harder and found
ways to obtain her goal. Two houses came up for sale where
she knew the owners. She made offers on both houses thinking
one would fall through.
She worked long, lonely hours online knowing that in order
for her to obtain her goal she needed to make some kind of
a down payment on her birthday - her 40th. One house or the
other would be hers.
Many months later - after tons of stress, loneliness,
anxiety...well, she didn't just have the opportunity to buy
one of those houses - they both came through!
Now more stress and what to do! Sleepless nights - oh my!
It began to be a bit overwhelming for her once again.
Let me shorten this story up for you...
On my friend's 40th birthday she put a partial down
deposit on her new home. She will be moving into this home
in late May or early June.
She did it! She worked hard and long online and was able to
obtain her dream of being a home owner on her 40th birthday.
It was the best birthday present she had ever received or
given to herself.
Yes she wanted to give up and settle. Trying to make any
amount online for survival is not easy. We all know that.
She sacrificed a lot to obtain her dream. And she completely
did it on her own - and using the internet as her sole source
of money.
She did it and I couldn't be more proud of her.
There are so many more details I could share with you about
my friend and her growing up. But I think I scratched the
surface enough to give you an idea that my friend could have
given up many times throughout her life. Many others have.
Many others also gave up on her. But she never gave up on
herself. If you asked her where her inner strength comes from,
where that survival mode comes from - she can't answer it.
Her life is that of success. Yes, she will let her emotional
scars get in the way. Yes, she will let what others think of
her sometimes get in the way. But she works hard to not let
that happen.
She actually was not wanting this story shared because of
what others might think. She shared putting the partial down
on her new home with one person, whom she thought was her
friend - and this person didn't even acknowledge it.
You know what? Who cares?! It's a story of someone obtaining
their dream as a result of hard work - online.
I have a lot of things to learn from her. I'm proud of her
and I know there is so much more to come for her.
She's my best friend and I'm her biggest fan and supporter.
That friend is me. :-)
I wanted to share this with you to help you obtain your
dream - if I can.
If you go to bed each night thinking about your dream, your
goal - you'll wake motivated and excited about it. You'll
end up working harder to obtain it.
If I can overcome all of this from 10 years old on, and
I can make my dream come to reality - you can do it also.
My story of me is not one of sorrow. Sure, a lot of garbage
came with my life. But I'm a better person today because
of it.
One thing I want to strongly recommend to you - always
surround yourself with the right people. The people that
offer you support unconditionally. No, not everyone will
believe in you or support you. That's where your own
strength needs to come in.
Any dream or goal you have IS obtainable. Whatever you
have inside of you to make you stronger and help you
obtain it - find it. Bring it out and bring it on!
Don't let anyone stomp on anything you want to do. Don't
ever be afraid of you and putting yourself first.
Visualize where you want to be. Visualize that dream.
Believe in that dream by believing in yourself.
I am me, and I am proud of me and who I am.
You are you - and I know I am proud of you and who you are.
I almost sent this to a friend, to ask what she thought of
this. But there I go again - concerned about what others
think. So I didn't. You're the first to see this.
I still have to work hard these next six months to
finish paying off my deposit. But my neighbours - whom
I'm buying the house from - accepted the partial and
said the house is mine.
We can't ever stop working hard. Please never stop
working hard on here. I know you can achieve your dreams.
Success does happen on here. Dreams can come true from
working hard online. Just believe in it and believe in YOU!
Michelle
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Michelle Raybourn is the Owner & Publisher of 'The Raybourn Effect'
- an online newsletter helping others learn to work smarter online.
Michelle also offers "Life-Coaching" - contact her for more details!
http://theraybourneffect.com
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